I Accidentally Called My Future Mother-In-Law A C*nt
A cultural collision of epic proportions.
A quick Google search of “cultural collision” and you’ll find a barrage of uses, interpretations and applications of the phrase. So, I certainly can’t claim to have coined it. However, it organically sprung into use as my description of the silly, amusing and often embarrassing moments that unfold in my family. These collisions are usually the result of the insertion of Italians or Italian culture into American life, or vice-versa. Sometimes, they occur when a phrase is used by one who lacks an understanding of what it actually means. This is what happens when, like me, you learn languages through osmosis or by ear.
I’ve mentioned my intention of sharing both the global adventures and cultural collisions coming from my, erm, motley multicultural crew. Now that we’re a couple of adventures deep, I thought I’d introduce the cultural collision aspect of our lives with one of my favorite, albeit most horrifying examples, which happened on a fateful day in Greece.
It was 2015 and Gabri and I, affianced at the time, had brought both of our moms, my sister and Gabri’s uncle to Folegandros, Greece where we’d initially thought we’d get married. We were having a lovely time. By day, we’d scope out venues in between delicious meals. By night, more of the same.
We made our way around the island by quad wheelers. And on one sunny day, as a light breeze floated on the air, Patrizia, Gabri’s mom, came around the corner on her quad, hair blowing in the wind. As I thought to myself, “lookin’ good Patrizki!,” I yelled into the air and across the road what I believed to be the Italian equivalent of that thought. My exact words, yelled at full volume, were “ammazza che sorca che sei!”
Now, to my Italian readers who are sitting in horror with the vision of me yelling such a thing at my soon-to-be suocera, allow me to explain to the non-Italian speakers.
Gabri is a Roman man who might not have the thickest of Romano accents but he dabbles in Roman slang from time to time. In our time together leading up to this momentous moment, when I’d get dressed up (a rare occurrence in general) and looked particularly fetching, I’d hear him say “ammazza che sorca!” I never thought to ask the exact meaning as it seemed clear he was simply saying something along the lines of “wow, what a babe?” (but less 80’s sounding and sexier, because Italian).
Fast forward to Folegandros and the yelling and you could see a look of complete and total shock take hold of what was Patrizia’s serene smile. It happened in slow motion for me. Her look of disbelief was followed by Gabri’s yelling back at me, “amore, noooooooo!!!!”
Why? What could she possibly have said, you ask? Well, I’d just called his mom a cunt. That’s right. A CUNT! Possibly the most offensive word in the english language. Definitely the most foul thing one could call their soon to be mother-in-law.
Fortunately for me, Patrizia has a good sense of humor, knows her eldest well and managed to put together the pieces before I even had the time to sort out what I’d done wrong. But this, my friends, was indeed a big fat cultural collision caused by the likes of yours truly.
Patrizia didn’t try to stop our marriage and nearly a decade later, we’re still laughing with nothing but love between us. So, all’s well that ends well! Ti voglio bene sorca mia. Kidding!
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